A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
"The rabbi replies, "No... I think I'll wait for the police."
A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and asks, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
A Protestant Christian lived in a predominantly Catholic neighborhood; and end of every work week, he would barbeque juicy steaks in his backyard, tempting those in the surrounding houses who were prohibited from consuming red meat on Fridays.
So, his neighbors vowed to convert the Protestant to their faith and after several months, they succeeded. On Baptism Day, the priest sprinkled Holy Water on his head and intoned, "You were born a Protestant, you were raised a Protestant -- now you are a Catholic."
But the following Friday, the man was again at his pit barbequing the most delicious steaks. As his Catholic neighbours came over to chastise him for his sin, they saw him sprinkling water over the steak, saying, "You were born a steak, you were raised a steak, now -- you are a fish."
A hunter was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear in the middle of a forest. He turned and ran as fast as he could until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!" The skies darkened and lightning rove the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, confused, then looked up into the sky and said -- "Thank you, God, for this food I'm about to receive...."
An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed," the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "This is Heaven."
Next they surveyed the championship golf course behind the home. They would have golfing privileges every day, and every week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with cuisines of the world. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it's free!," Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter explained, "That's the best part--you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven!" With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and the man's wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
A pro football players goes into a bar and orders a beer. Down at the other end of the bar, there's a person having a drink.
The football player asks the bartender, "Is that who I THINK it is?"
The bartender says, "Yes, it's Jesus. He comes in here every day and has a beer." In comes a teamster truck driver, who sits down next to the football player, and orders a drink. He looks down to the end of the bar, then turns to the football player and says, "That person sure looks like Jesus." And he's told that it is. Both the football player and the truck driver decide to go over to Jesus and say hello.
During their conversation, Jesus asks them what they each do for a living. So the football players explains to Jesus that he was the quarterback for a professional football team, but could not not play, due to a rotor cuff injury that might end his career. So Jesus reaches out and puts his healing hand on the football player's shoulder. Then he asks the player, "How does it feel now?"
The football player picks up a can of beer and throws it across the room - without any pain. So he thanks Jesus.Then Jesus turns to the trucker and asks him if HE has any physical problems. The trucker quickly replies, "Don't touch me! I'm on disability."
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son had turned out, and went to see his rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the rabbi. "Like you, I too brought my boy up in the faith, put him through university, cost me a fortune, then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer", replied the rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the lawyer.
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me ...' "
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.
God wanted to take a holiday, so he asked St.Peter for suggestions on where to go.
"Jupiter?" said St .Peter.
"No,too much gravity and stomping around" answered God.
"How about Mercury?"
"Too hot," said God.
"Would you go to Earth?" asked St.Peter.
"No way, they are such terrible gossips. I was there 2000 years ago, had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're still talking about it!"
Yeshiva University decided to field a crew team, but they lost race after race even though they practiced for hours every day so the Rosh Yeshiva finally decided to send Yankel to spy on the Harvard team.
Yankel shlepped off to Cambridge and hid in the bullrushes off the Charles River, from where he carefully watched the Harvard team as they practiced. When he returned to Yeshiva. he announced: "I've figured out their secret. They have eight guys ROWING and only ONE guy shouting."
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed."
Suddenly a mighty voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to incapacitate the chief.
As he stands over the body surrounded by stunned savages, the mighty voice booms out again, "Okay.... NOW you're screwed."
The Baptist preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church. "Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan's hand. As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked. "Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!" "I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered. "I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My dad says you're the poorest preacher we ever had, and so, I want to help you."
Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything - noise, spray, cats - nothing seems to scare them away.
Another said "Yeah, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one since!"
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishoners who he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them. He felt a bit apprehensive but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
A young boy returned home from church, His mother greeted him and asked, "What did you learn today?" The boy responded, "I learned about a cross-eyed bear." His mother was a little confused since she was not aware of any such thing in her limited knowledge of the Bible. So, she quizzed him further. "You studied about a cross-eyed bear?" "Yes," he responded, "and her name was Gladly." The mother was still confused but she let the matter drop. Later that day she was talking on the phone with her neighbor who had taken her boy to church. She asked about the "bear". "Oh," she responded, "We sang a song titled 'Gladly the Cross I'd Bear."
A man asks God: "How much is a million dollars to you, God?"
And the answer booms back, "A dime."
"How long is a thousand years?"
"A minute."
"Will you loan me a dime?"
"Sure. In a minute."
"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan, during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach.
"Why, no, Father," answered the nun, demurely. "It's just a little gas."
A few months later, Father Dan put the same question to the nun, noticing that her habit barely fit across her belly.
"Oh, just a bit of gas," said Sister Ann, blushing a bit.
On his next visit, Father Dan was walking down the convent corridor, when he passed Sister Ann, now much thinner, and wheeling a baby carriage.
Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little fart."
A man called his little old Jewish mother in Florida.
He said to his mother, "How are you doing?"
She said, "Not too good. I've been very weak."
The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son then asked, "Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."
A writer dies, but due to a bureaucratic snafu in the afterworld, she's allowed to choose her home for all eternity -- Heaven or Hell. Being a very shrewd dead person, (she is a writer, after all) she asks St. Peter for a tour.
Well, Hell is first, where she sees rows and rows of writers chained to desks in a sweatshop as hot as a thousand suns. It's your standard Hell scene -- fire licks their fingers as they're whipped by demons with chains. "Ok. I get it," she says, "Next?"
In a moment, they're whisked to Heaven, where she sees rows and rows of writers chained to desks in a room as hot as a thousand suns. Fire licks the writers' fingers as they try to work, demons whip their backs with chains. "Hey, what gives, Pete?" asks the writer, "This is as bad as Hell!"
"Yes," St. Peter replies, "but here, your work gets published."
A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway - why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"
Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point the cop looks in the back seat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."
Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.
After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library.
The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself, and muttering "An R!" The scribes left out the "R".
A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, and asks him what the problem is and what does he mean.
After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter "R". They left out the "R". The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE.
Many thanks to the sources of most of these fine jokes: LOL Newsletter, Planet Proctor, and Wissa's Laugh Line.