A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in L.A. He's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; we're not even moving."
He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars, so he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer, what's the hold-up?"
"O.J. just found out the verdict, and he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
The man says, "Oh really, how much have you collected so far."
The officer replies, "So far, ten gallons."
It is not always easy to say the right thing on the spur of the moment. We can sympathize with the chap who met an old friend after many years.
"How is your wife?" "She is in heaven," replied the friend. "Oh, I'm sorry," stammered the chap. Then he realized this was not the thing to say. "I mean," he stammered, "I'm glad." That seemed even worse so he blurted, "Well, what I really mean is, I'm surprised."
A man showed some friends his apartment. One guest asked "What's that big brass basin for?"
"That's the talking clock," answered the man.
He gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer.
Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, "Knock it off! Don't you know that it's 2 a.m., you idiot?
A lady was throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out.... a caterer, a band, and a hired clown.
Just before the children's party started, two bums showed up, looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they would help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed for the backyard.
The guests arrived, and all was going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown had not shown up. After another half an hour, the clown finally called the woman to report that he was stuck intraffic, and would probably not be able to make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed, and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. Then she happened to look out the back window, and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high into the air.
She called to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely spectacular! I have never seen such a thing! Do you think your friend would consider repeating his performance for the children at my party? I would pay him $50.00!"
The bum replied, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him... HEY, WILLIE! FOR FIFTY DOLLARS, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE??!"
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2002, Turbo Zelnick. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, running him over $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped (both looking well up there in years) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?". The young man replies, "A 2002 Turbo Zelnick. Set me back over 500 grand."
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why do they cost so much?
"Because this car maxes out at 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?
"Sure," replies the owner.
So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at the sleek interior, impressed by the leather seating, 24k gold accents, and high-tech displays. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do, flooring it, and within seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, somehow going faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo Zelnick?" the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, for second, the guy thought it looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Turbo Zelnick?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and, heavens-to-betsy, it is the old man!!!
Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're looking pretty bad... is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies "Yes... could you unhook my suspenders from your rear-view mirror?"
Airman in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Marine joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a MARINE. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a MARINE. The fella next to him is 6'5", weighs 250 and he's a MARINE. Now, do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The Airman says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check, got up, and started to walk away.
"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "While you were gone, I did some digging and found that you're quite well off. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I safely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:
Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."
Judge: "Proceed."
Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."
Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony." 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.
Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn`t intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"
Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
A guy rides into an old style Western town to see a crowd of people around the town gallows. The guy, wanting to know what's going on, collars a local and says "Hey, what's going on here?".
The local chap says "they're goin' to hang Brown Paper Pete."
So our man says "y'what?"
And the other chap says "They're a-hangin' Brown Paper Pete."
"Well how did he get a name like that?" our chap asks,
"Well," says the chap whose name we don't know, "On his head he wears a brown paper bag, on his feet he wears brown paper bags, on his arms he wears brown papers bags, in fact, he wears brown paper bags just all over his body."
"Strange", says our man, "what're they hanging him for?"
"Rustlin'."
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns telling of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and eye patch and asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit me leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook?"
"Well ...." replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut me hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "And how did you get the eye patch?"
"A seagull dropping fell into me eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."
The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling -
"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention. He tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned." She wept, covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?" "I don't think so,"said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start, and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door.
The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.
"I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed blond shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "Gosh, I wish I had your willpower!!!."
These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
Walter, who is quite elderly is resting peacefully on the front porch of a nursing home in the country, when he sees a cloud of dust up the road. He watches a farmer approaching in his wagon. "Good afternoon!" hollers out Walter. "Afternoon," says the farmer. "Where you headed?" asks Walter. "Town." "What do you have in the wagon?" Walter continued. "Manure." "Manure, eh? What do you do with it?" "I spread it over my strawberries," the farmer says matter-of-factly. "Well," says Walter, "you should come over here for lunch someday. I make a terrific strawberry dessert. But we use whipped cream."
A man traveling across the country stops in a small town for some refreshment. He enters the local bar to find it deserted except for the bartender. The tables are clean and tidy, and each has a basket of nuts at the center.
The man orders a drink and sits quietly at one of the tables. After a few moments he hears a voice say, "Nice tie." He looks about, but no one is in sight.
A couple of moments later he hears another voice say,"Great haircut." He looks about, but no one is around. A moment later he hears another voice say,"Attractive shirt."
Puzzled he approaches the bartender and asks about the voices. The bartender shrugs his shoulders. "Oh, that. It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed. Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"
"Did we land or were we shot down?"
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
A very rich man phones his house in the middle of the day.
"Hello," says a strange woman's voice on the other end.
"Who the hell is this?" asks the rich man.
"I'm the maid," says the quiet voice.
"The maid?? We don't have a maid!"
"Well, the lady of the house hired me today, sir," politely explains the maid.
"Look," says the rich man, "just put my wife on the line. Tell her it's her husband."
On the other end, he hears nothing. He waits.
"Hello?" impatiently says the rich man. "Are you still there?"
"Um, yes, sir. But, you see, sir -- I just saw the lady of the house walk into her bedroom with a man I assumed was her husband," says the now obviously uncomfortable maid.
Fuming with anger, the rich man asks, "Listen, how would you like to make a quick $50,000?"
"Why... sure," says the maid, hesitantly.
"In the living room, there is a gun cabinet. Grab a gun and shoot those two cheating %&>$>@*+#'s!!!!"
The maid somberly puts down the phone.
A minute later, the rich man hears two gun shots.
"I did it, sir," says the maid, back on the phone.
"Great!" replies the rich man. "I will pay you your money later."
"Sir, what should I do with their bodies?" asks the maid.
"Throw them in the pool," answers the rich man.
"Pool?" responds the maid. "There's no pool here!"
The rich man thinks for a second, then says, "Wait... is this 555-8723?"
A group of deaf folk were sitting in a pub. and all using sign language in unison. The pub Manager comes over, grabs two of them by the scruff and marches them to the door. Then he comes back and repeats this with two more. He had got the last of them out of the door when a woman, sitting in a corner said, "Why did you throw them out, they weren't harming anyone?" The manager said, "If I've told them once, I've told them a dozen times, there's no singing in here."
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
Many thanks to the sources of most of these fine jokes: LOL Newsletter, Planet Proctor, and Wissa's Laugh Line.