A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit. 9 Iron"
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit. 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 Wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog reply's, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years."
"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?" The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."
"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?"
"Go back and get her."
A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news."
The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have which ever brain you like.
The man's brain is $100,000.00 and the woman's brain is $30,000.00.
The patient could not help but ask?; "Why such a large difference between, the male and the female brain?"
The doctor replied, "the female brain is used."
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."
A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seven long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally the old girl died.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years.
His wife looked at him aghast. *My* Aunt Emma! she cried. I thought she was *your* Aunt Emma...
A man finds a lamp and rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie says that he will grant the man one wish. The man thinks for a minute and says, "You know, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid of flying. So my wish is that you build a road to Hawaii."
The genie thought about that and said to the man, "I don't think I can grant this wish. All the asphalt and supplies to make the roads, tunnels, and bridges. Not to mention the amount of time and work it would take. That's just too much work. So, no, make another wish."
The man thought for a moment and said, "Well, something else I would really like is to know what goes on inside a woman's head. I want to understand women. You know, what makes them laugh, what makes them cry, why they get mad, why they are happy. Just overall, what makes them tick."
The genie looked at the man and said, "Two lanes or four?"
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
The wife found her husband sitting on the back porch crying. "What's wrong?" she asked. "Do you remember when we were dating and your father told me that if I didn't marry you, he would send me to prison for 20 years?" he said. "Yes," she responded, "so what?"
"I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF PRISON TODAY!!!"
An Amish boy and his father were making their first ever visit to a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life; I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched; small circles of light with numbers above the wall lit up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again, and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
An elderly doctor and a Presbyterian minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.
When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself. The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything. He replied, "Oh no, thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol".
The elderly doctor promptly handed back his gin and tonic to the air-hostess said, "Madam, I did not know there was a choice."
This old man had a shot of whiskey every morning, he has done this for over 40 years. One morning his wife decides to teach him the bad things about drinking. So she gets two worms out of his bait box, and gets two glasses. He sits down for breakfast and she says I want to show you something, she fills one glass with water, the other with whiskey. She puts a worm in the water, it swims all around the glass. She puts the other worm in the whiskey and it dies...then she says "Ok so what does this show you?" He replies, "If I drink whiskey I won't get worms."
Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."
The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well" said the CIA agent, "You're definitely not the right man for the job then."
Then they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her but I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No", the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now the only applicant left is the woman. Again, they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA agents heard the gun start firing. One shot after another rang out for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door slowly opened and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."
After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
A woman is trying to board a bus, but her skirt is too tight and she can't step up. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper a bit and tries again. Skirt's still too tight. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper some more. She still can't get on, and lowers the zipper a third time.
Suddenly, she feels two hands on her butt, trying to push her up onto the bus. She spins around and says, "Sir, I don't know you well enough for you to do that!"
The guy says, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times, either."
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
A beautiful young woman went into the hospital for a minor operation. On the day of her operation, the nurses prepared her and wheeled her down to the operating theatre, and left her lying outside on a trolley for a few minutes.
While she was lying there, a young man in a white coat came along, lifted her gown up, and began to examine her naked body. He then went away and consulted with another colleague in a white coat. They both returned and examined her again. A third colleague was called over, and he too began to examine her.
By this time, the young lady was becoming quite frustrated at the long wait for her operation, and inquired from the white coated individuals: "Look, I don't mind you examining me, but when is this bloody operation going to start?"
"We haven't got a clue, luv," came the reply, "we're just the painters."
A very shy guy went into a bar and saw a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally went over to her and asked, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responded by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar was now staring at them. Naturally, the guy was hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinked back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walked over to him and apologized. She smiled at him and said, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
He replied, at the top of his lungs, "What?! You ain't worth $200!"
Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.
Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says: "OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ." The mermaid says: "Done." Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.
The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid: "Triple my IQ." The mermaid says: "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends that he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my IQ." The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider."
The guy says: "No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."
"Please," says the mermaid. "You don't know what you're asking, it will change your entire view on the universe won't you ask for something else... a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid sighed and said: "Done."
And he became a woman.
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.
At 1 PM, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived.
Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed.
"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair, and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody."
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and grants her 3 wishes.
"Well now" says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
****poof*** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."
***poof*** She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
****poof**** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possible imagine.
She stares at him, smitten with a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
A woman is diagnosed with having a weak heart. The doctor advises she should not do any strenuous work, and must immediately give up sexual relations with her husband, This isn't easy, but the husband is devoted to his wife (it's a work of fiction this, obviously !) and agrees to the conditions. Lest he forget himself in the middle of the night he decides it's best if they sleep in seperate rooms from now on. The wife can have the bedroom upstairs, and he opts for sleeping in the lounge room downstairs to keep from harm.
One night, overcome by the need for some loving, he decides he can't stand this enforced celibacy any more. Stealthily he climbs the stairs intending to make love to his wife, no matter what. Half way up the stairs he encounters his wife creeping down the stairs.
"Where are you off to ?" he asks.
"I was coming down stairs to commit suicide" she replied. "And you ?"
"I was going upstairs to murder you."
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him: "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Howard - you're a veterinarian."
After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.
"Let me tell you a story," said the Doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly, a bear charged him, so he pointed his umbrella at the bear and shot and killed it on the spot."
"Impossible!" the ol' fella' exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear!"
"Exactly!" replied the doctor.
An Amish boy accompanied his father to a horse auction. He watched his father enter a stall, bend down, and run his hands up and down the animal's legs."What are you doing, Dad?" the boy asked. "This is the way you decide whether or not to buy a horse," his father replied.
The boy's face grew serious. "Gee, Dad, we better hurry home. The milk man stopped in yesterday and I think he wants to buy Mommy!"
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.
He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golfball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
A woman's walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out." As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast *is* hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Mam, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Well, your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says "Oh my god, I left the baby on the bus!"
Many thanks to the sources of most of these fine jokes: LOL Newsletter, Planet Proctor, and Wissa's Laugh Line.