An American, a Canadian, and an Australian were sitting in a seedy bar enjoying a few beers.
The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.
A Texan, a Californian and a Seattle-ite are in a bar. The Texan throws a botle of Tequila in the air and shoots it with a pistol. He explains that Texas has plenty of tequila.
The Californian then tosses a bottle of wine in the air and shoots it, saying Califonia has plenty of wine.
The Seattle-ite then throws a bottle of beer into the air, shoots the Californian, and catches the bottle.
"We have plenty of Californians, " he explains, "but I have to recycle the bottle."
There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.
The president of Budweiser orders a Bud, the president of Miller orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors and the list goes on...
Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.
"If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"
"Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the nurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident.
Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."
The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.
In Canada they have two Seasons...six months of winter, and six months of poor snowmobiling.
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."
"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
An old Irish potato farmer in North Armagh was lamenting that he had nobody to help him till the soil for this season's crop. His only son was interred in prison for suspicion of being an IRA sympathizer. The old man decided to write his son and tell him of his plight. The reply was, "For God's sake, don't dig up the garden! That's where I hid the guns!"
Next morning, a dozen British troops showed up at the farm and dug through the garden, searched the house, and questioned the old man. They left empty handed late in the evening. The old man wrote the son again and asked him what to do.
The son replied, "Now plant your potatoes."
A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.
"Hello," said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy."
"Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it happens, there's a village right over the hill, where there's a butcher called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy."
Aha, thought the agent, here's my man. So he whispered the secret code. "The sun is shining... the grass is growing... the cows are ready for milking."
"Oh" said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy - he's in the village over the other direction."
Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So he decides to go to the States before it is too late. So he hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?"
Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis." So the father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir--- Oh my God!! Its Elvis!!! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!"
"Shut up you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!!" So the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter.
"OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!! It's you!", screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it!! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!!"
Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you. Thank you very much!"
A young man walks through New York Chinatown and notices a shop with the name Hans Olaffsen's Laundry. He thought it seemed out of place but curiosity got the best of him and he walked into the shop. He sees an old Chinese man sitting in the corner. He asked the old man, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The Old Man - "That's the name of the owner."
The Young Man - "Who's the owner?"
Old Man - "I am."
Young Man - "How did you get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
Old Man - "Many years ago when I came to this country from Hong Kong, I was standing in line at Immigration. A man in front of me was a big blond Swede. The lady from Immigration asked him, What is your name? He say 'Hans Olaffsen.' Lady ask me, 'What is your name?' I say Sam Ting."
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked out and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Limey pick up the egg. The Scots ran up to him and said it was his egg because he owned the hen; but the Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for quite a while until finally the Scotsman said, "Look. In my family we normally solve disputes by the following: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, and whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this; and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, took a few steps back, ran toward the Englishman and then kicked him as hard as he could right in the jewels. The Englishman dropped to the ground like a stone and howled in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually he was able to get to his feet and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the fucking egg."
Three explorers, an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a resident of New York City, are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The chief of the tribe walks over to inspect his prize. He tells the explorers that he has some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that they are to be killed and eaten, and their skins will be used to make canoes. The good news is that each can choose the method of his own death.
The Englishman says, "Give me my pistol!" He puts it to his head, cries out, "I die for Queen and Country!" and pulls the trigger.
The Frenchman says, "Give me my sword!" He places it hilt-first on the ground, yells "Vive la France!", and impales himself.
The New Yorker asks for a fork. The cannibal chieftan looks at him incredulously and gives him a fork. The New Yorker proceeds to stab himself all over with the fork until he falls to the ground, bleeding to death. With his final breath he screams, "Fuck your canoe!"
A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. but the train was extremely crowded and he couldn't find a seat.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other with room for two people on each seat and on one side sat a proper looking older British lady with a small dog in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady replied haughtily, "You Americans are so rude. Can't you see my dog is sitting there"?
"Lady, I love dogs," he said patiently, "I have a couple at home and I'd be glad to hold your dog if I can just sit down." The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant." "Lady," he replied wearily, "I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with no decent rest. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?"
The lady said, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious."And with that comment, the soldier calmly picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down, rendering the lady speechless.
Then an older, elegant Englishman in the compartment spoke up: "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description, but I do know that you do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork in the wrong hand, and now - you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m". That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son".
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?"
"No, son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"
Updated Canadian Universities Lightbulb Jokes
How many Ryerson students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Trick question; Ryerson isn't a real university.
How many Lakehead students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* None, Thunder Bay doesn't have electricity.
How many University of Toronto students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Two, one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.
How many Algonquin students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Only one, but he gets six credits for it.
How many Laurentian students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* None, Sudbury looks better in the dark.
How many Queen's students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* One, he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
How many Waterloo students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Five, one to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of
Waterloo using that nuked lightbulb, two to install it and one to write the computer program.
How many Western students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Five, one to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect Tommy Hilfiger/L.L. Bean/Eddie Bauer outfit to wear
for the occasion.
How many McMaster students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Two, one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did as well as any Queen's student.
How many Windsor students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Two, one to change the bulb and one to complain about how, if they were at a better school, the lightbulb wouldn't
go out.
How many McGill students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* One, but she can't do it on Thursday, Friday or Saturday night.
How many University of Calgary students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Seven, one to change the bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time.
How many University of Alberta students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Two, one to change it and the other to boast how it was so "Indisputably Recognized" around the world.
How many Guelph students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Seven, one to screw it in and 6 to figure out how to power it on manure.
How many Mt. Allison students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Five, one to do it and 4 to be in the Macleans photo of it.
How many University of Victoria students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* None, lava lamps don't burn out man!
How many UBC students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Four, one to do it and three to translate the instructions.
How many University of Saskatchewan students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* One, there's nobody else around to do it.
How many Laurier students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Five, they make it campus affair.
How many University of Manitoba students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* There's a university in Manitoba?
How many York University students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Three, one to take directions from the science student, the science student, and one to philosophize about life as
a lightbulb.
How many University of Ottawa students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* One, (s)he screws everything, why not a lightbulb?
How many Carleton University students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* Two, one to change the bulb and one to brag about how they did it faster than the Ottawa U students did it.
How many Laval students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* One, but she would insist that the way she did it was distinct.
How many United States University/College students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* That depends; how much is the athletic scholarship worth?
Many thanks to the sources of most of these fine jokes: LOL Newsletter, Planet Proctor, and Wissa's Laugh Line.