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An ocean liner sank at sea, leaving only three survivors in a lifeboat. One was French, one German, and one was a *really dumb guy* [those with ethnic or regional axes to grind may insert the lineage of their choice].

After they had spent several excruciating days adrift without food or water, the Frenchman saw a bottle float by and plucked it from the ocean.

When he uncorked it, a genie emerged. "Thank you for freeing me," he said.

"Under normal circumstances, I would grant three wishes, but since there are three of you here, I will grant you each one wish." The Frenchman said, "Oh, to be backin Pah-ree, drinking cafe au lait on the Champs Elysees, and watching the women walking by in their spring dresses. That is all I could hope for."

"Your wish is granted," said the genie, and -- POOF! -- the Frenchman disappeared from the lifeboat. Then the German survivor said, "Ach! All I want is to be back in a beer garden in Bonn, lifting a stein with my friends."

"Granted," said the genie, and -- POOF! -- the German, too, was liberated from his misery. "And you," said the genie, turning to the *really dumb guy*, "how would you like to use the final wish?"

"Well, ya know," the dumb guy said, "it's kinda lonely out here without those other two guys. I just wish they were back."

POOF!

---

Two Aggie hunters were driving through the country to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road where a sign read "BEAR LEFT" so they went home.

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These two Aggie guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"

The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"

The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow."

The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"

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A man is walking down the street when he sees an Aggie with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick. Seeing the Aggie's ignorance, the man wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long." The Aggie grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"

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An Aggie goes into the drugstore to buy some condoms.

The price on the box says $2.00. That's just what the Aggie has in his pocket.

So he takes the box to the counter and says, "I'll take these."

The clerk says, "That will be $2.16, sir."

The surprised Aggie retorts, "Two dollars AND 16 cents?! What's the 16 cents for?"

The clerk says, "That's for the tax."

The Aggie replies, "Tax??! I thought you just ROLLED them on!"

---

An Aggie walks by an electronics store, and he notices a TV in the storefront window. He needs a new TV, and this one has lots of buttons, looks really nice, and is selling for $216.00.

So he goes into the store and asks for the TV in the front window, but the salesperson says, "Sorry, but we don't sell to Aggies."

So the Aggie storms out.

But he really wants this TV so, overnight, he dyes his hair red. The next day, he goes back to the store and again asks for the TV in the front window.

"Sorry, we don't sell to Aggies," comes the reply.

By this time, he's desperate, so he goes home and shaves off his beard and moustache, and dyes his hair black.

He goes back to the store again, and asks for the TV in the front window, but once again, the salesperson says, "We don't sell to Aggies."

"How the heck do you know I'm an Aggie?! I dyed my hair twice, and I even shaved off my beard and moustache, and you STILL know I'm an Aggie! HOW?!"

"There are only microwaves in our front window."

---

The CEO of a large corporation was celebrating his birthday.

As a joke, several of his subordinates chipped in and bought their CEO a penguin, and had it delivered to the corporate headquarters. The CEO, not wanting to offend his employees, graciously accepted the penguin.

He then told one of his Aggie employees to take the penguin to the zoo. The Aggie was not seen for the rest of the day.

Later that evening, the Aggie showed up at the CEO's home -- with the penguin in tow.

The CEO said, "I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo!"

The Aggie proudly replied, "I DID take the penguin to the zoo! He liked it SO much I'm going to take him to the museum tomorrow!"

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An Aggie and a monkey, in a space capsule, are about to be launched into space.

The monkey is instructed to put on headphones and follow the instructions every time a green light flashes.

The Aggie is instructed to do the same, except every time a red light flashes.

So they're launched into space, and the green light flashes. The monkey pushes some buttons. The green light flashes again. The monkey pulls some levers.

The entire time, the green light keeps flashing, and the monkey keeps pulling levers and pushing buttons - just all kinds of fun stuff.

The Aggie is getting really frustrated, but finally the red light flashes!

So the Aggie eagerly puts on his headphones and hears, "Feed the monkey."

---

Flustered and flushed, Carol sat in the witness chair. The beautiful but somewhat empty-headed temptress had somehow been found out and named by the wife as corespondent in a divorce.

"So... Miss [Jones], you admit that you went to a motel with this man."

"Yes, but I couldn't help it. He deceived me. He told the motel desk clerk that I was his wife."

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An Air Force Security Forcer was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Security Forcer shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!" The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Army Guys who were in here earlier saying the same thing." So the Security Forcer headed in to the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "Those must be those Army guys that dude in town was talking about." Just then, the Security forcer saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Army Guys. Just as the gator was about to attack, one of the Guys grabbed it by the neck with both hands and strangles it to death with very little effort. Then both Army Guys dragged it to the shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. One of the Army Guys then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

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There was a flight that had only four people on it - the pilot, a young boy scout, an elderly pastor and a scholarly-looking gentleman. During the flight the pilot came back and said that they were experiencing engine difficulties and that the plane was going to crash. The good news was that they had parachutes, but the bad news was that there were only three.

Explaining that he had to make a full report of the situation to the authorities he quickly slipped on the parachute and jumped.

The scholarly gentleman stood up next and explained that he had studied at Oxford, Harvard, Yale and other such schools and that he was one of the most intelligent persons in the world. He said that the world needed his wisdom andgreat learning. He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The pastor considered his age and the fact that he had lived a full life and told the boy that he should use the last parachute. The boy scout calmly said, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. The most intelligent person in the world just put on my backpack before he jumped."

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Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey... Nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!'"

"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

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I spent the weekend with a really beautiful blond.. While shaving her legs in the morning, she cut herself and before she took care of the cut, she put on plastic gloves. I asked her why and she told me "Nowadays, you have to be extremely careful with the HIV virus, you just never know who might have it!"

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A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian."

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Three women escaped from prison....one was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blond. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn, so they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three gunny sacks and decided to put them over their heads for camouflage. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft.

When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw. The deputy told him just three gunny sacks. The sheriff told him to find out what was in them.....so the deputy kicked the first bag, which had the redhead in it... and she went "Bow-wow" so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in the first one. Then he kicked the one with the brunette in it and she went "Meow." The deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in the second one. Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it and there was no sound at all, so he kicked it again and the blonde said "Potatoes."

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Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, "Ready!... Aim!! ..."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no and the executioner shouts, "Ready! ... Aim!!..."

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no and the executioner shouts, Ready! ... Aim!! ..."

...and the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"