Daniel Mont's 7-year-old grandson, Matthew, was taking summer courses for kids at Cal State Northridge.
When Mont asked 4-year-old Haley where her brother was, she said he was in college studying.
"Do you mean that your brother is so smart that he skipped all the way from second grade to college?" Mont asked her.
"No," Haley said. "We drive him."
In a nice suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, ten and eight years old, who were always getting into mischief. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, they seemed to have a hand in. Their parents were about to go crazy trying to control them, so one day the dad suggested to the mom, "Why don't you ask the priest at that church down the road to talk to them. I hear he works with delinquent boys." So, the mother went and made her request. The priest agreed, but wanted to speak to the younger child first and alone. When the boy got there, he was seated across from the priest who was behind a massive oak desk. They both sat quietly staring at one another for about five minutes. Finally, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?" The boy looked all around the room, under the desk, in the corners, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest asked the boy, "Where is God?" Again the boy looked all around, but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, while leaning across the desk with his finger almost to the boys nose, the priest asked, "Where is God?" The boy panicked and ran home. He burst into his brother's room and yelled, "We have to get out of here! We are in big trouble!" The older boy asked, "What do you mean, big trouble?" His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began: "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?" "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
The kindergarten class was on a tour of Farmer Brown's spread. A little boy, about five, comes tearing out of the pig pen yelling, "Teacher, teacher! Come Quick. Look, there's a great big, big pig, and ten little pigs are blowing her up!"
The preacher was describing the day of judgment. "Lightning will crackle, thunder will boom, rivers overflow. Flames will shoot down from the heavens. The earth will quake violently, and darkness will fall over the world."
A small boy in the front row turned to his father. "Do you think they'll let school out early?"
A little boy goes up to his mother and asks "Where do I come from?" She hesitates but decides if he is old enough to ask, he deserves to know. She explains about the birds and the bees and goes into great detail about where babies come from. Finally she finishes and says, "That's where you come from. Do you have any other questions?"
"No." he says, "I was just wondering. Billy says he's from Philadelphia."
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Mary put her hand up and said "Moooo!"
"Very good" replied the teacher, "what sound do sheep make?"
"Baaaa" answered Billy.
She continued this for a while.
Then she asked "What sound does a pig make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class.
He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall scum bag!!"
A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old tells the little one that it is high time the two of them try swearing. So when his little brother enthusiastically responds, the 7-year-old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll use the word 'hell' and you use 'ass.'" The 4-year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys seat themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he'd like to eat for breakfast. The boy replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."
WHACK!!! Their surprised mother reacts quickly, and the boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his backside.
With a stern note to her voice, the mother then asks her younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
"I don't know," the 4-year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios!"
One evening a preschooler, Krystal, and her parents were sitting on the couch chatting. Krystal asked, "Daddy, you're the boss of the house, right?"
Her father proudly replied, "Yes, I am the boss of the house."
But Krystal quickly burst his bubble when she added "Cause Mommy put you in charge, huh Daddy?"
A little boy opened the big old family Bible and with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!"
Many thanks to the sources of most of these fine jokes: LOL Newsletter, Planet Proctor, and Wissa's Laugh Line.